Good Weekend :)

So this weekend was actually pretty good. Friday after my panic attack because I woke up at 7am and Brandon still wasn't home.We went to Clare and other then the extreme heat and then the wicked wind the flea market was pretty good, got to spend time with my parents and my nieces. Then Saturday was Garrett's wedding which was fun minus the stupid little fights Brandon wanted to start. My mood are still getting better which is helping my relationship get better and with any luck the next wedding we will be going to will be mine :). I dont know if i'm that lucky but hell its worth a shot right?

It's Been Too Long

So I know its been like forever since I wrote on here but things have been rough. About a month ago my boyfriend of 3yrs and I broke up. He has anger issues and I have well a lot of issues. Since then we have gotten back together and are very happy now (most of the time). I can't say I have been completely on track with the whole diet thing but I have still been doing really good with my weight loss. Grant it I think part of it has to do with being under a ton of stress. I am still going to therapy. I've been doing a lot better finally got in to see a psychiatrist and I think after two tries we have my medication on the right track and I am actually really happy. I don't feel like sleeping all day, I don't completely hate going to work, and it takes a little more to send me off the handle. I am no where near where I want to or need to be but I feel I am definitely heading in the right direction. I finally have true diagnoses about what is wrong with me, I do have bi-polar 2, which is the high end on the bi-polar scale, I also have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, and I also suffer from PTSD. If anyone reading this knows about any of these disorders you will understand me a little better. I went through another very dark time last Thursday but with my therapy and my new medication I had enough sense to know if I would have stayed home alone while Brandon went to work I would have done something very stupid. I will always have "dark" times in my life but I feel like if I keep doing what I am doing the energy will keep coming and so will the self esteem. Life may not be perfect but it's pretty good right now. I will update and keep things going the way they are. Your thoughts, kind words and prayers are always appreciated. 

Am I really that severe??

I had my fist therapy session yesterday. My therapist has been working with people with Bi-Polar disorder for 50yrs so I was pretty confident that he can help me until at the end of our session when I had him bring Brandon in to explain to him what Bi-Polar is he dropped a bombshell on me. He informed me and Brandon that I have the most severe case he has seen in his 50yrs of doing this. I know that yes that is a good thing to know but it makes me wonder am I fixable? Or is this just gonna be something else that I try and fail to actually get help with. I'm not gonna lie I think I am more scared and apprehensive now then I was when I went to see him yesterday. I just want to get my life back. I don't want to be this person that I hate anymore and that other people hate. I'm sick of being up every night crying or having my mind race with what if's. I want to be ME again. I don't know who this person is but its not me. I hate this person I have become and I know most people who know me hate her too. I know you are suppose to keep in mind that no matter how bad you have it there is someone out there that is worse off then you and I believe that, but I can't help but constantly think why me. Why do I have to suffer like this, why do I have to turn against the people I love. I go for my next session Monday...please anyone who does read this please keep me in your thoughts and prayers I need them now more then ever.

Am I Crazy or Not So Much??

So in roughly an hour I will be headed to my first therapy session.Not gonna lie I'm a little freaked out by it. I know its what i need to do to get help and get better but doesnt mean i'm thrilled about it. I know they are gonna make me bring up things i dont want to but again its all part of the process right? We'll see how it goes. fingers crossed for a not so freaky session.

Finally Gonna Take A Deeper Look

Last Thursday I had an appointment with my doctor for my anxiety and depression. He finally listened to me in the aspect that I strongly believe that I have Bi-Polar Disorder. After seeing him for a year he finally listened. He gave me a number for a therapist and a list of symptoms to see how many of the symptoms actually match mine. As I figured more then half of them match mine. I not gonna lie I am a tad apprehensive about going and talking to a stranger, but I know its the only way to get things not only medication wise but just in my life straightened out. I give Brandon credit he is trying to understand and be supportive, but he really just doesn't understand bi-polar in general. I am having him go with me to my appointment on Friday so that maybe after the Dr. talks to me he can kind of explain to him what is going on with me. I know that if I don't do something soon the wedding I want to have with Brandon is never going to happen because I get so irritated with the smallest things and I am pushing him away more and more every day. I don't want to but I honestly can't help it. I want to be with him and I love him but if I don't get things straight in my life then I know it will all be over with him and that will just make everything. The issues I have been having are also hindering my weight loss that I've been working so hard for. Now I lack the energy and motivation to even do anything. My house is trashed, and I refuse to have people over because I'm embarrassed at how I've let the house go and how I am starting to let my self go again. If anyone one has any advise I am open to it. Other wise I will keep everyone posted.

Way Off Track

Ok well I know it has been awhile since I wrote in here and since I'm not entirely sure I have anyone who read it. But anyway I have been way off track for while now. I am just sooo stressed out with finishing up academy, and all the drama at work that I dont sleep and I have been not sticking to my diet as well as I would like. Its time for me to get re motivated and get my big ass back on track. Im almost done with academy I do my finals this week and I might be starting a new job with a lot less drama. Pretty jazzed about that. So wish me luck and hope i get back on track!!

Back On My Game

I am officially back on my game as of yesterday. I'm back on the Wii fit and treadmill. I can not push myself too hard due to the fact my ankle and knee are still a little messed up. But i did 35mins today on the Wii and treadmill. I'm waiting a few more days to start back up my Zumba I don't want to risk re injuring my ankle or knee and losing more time at work and losing more exercising time. I am sad to report that while i was laid up for 4days i did gain 5lbs back. I was so depressed, but I am bound and determined to lose it and still make my goal. According to my weigh in today I have lost 3 of the five lbs that i gained while being laid up. And I am hoping to continue this streak and be back fully on track next week. Wish me luck. I've got a week and a half to reach my goal and 5.2lbs left to lose before I make my goal. Fingers crossed.